Once upon a time the was a girl named Asiral, she was lived in a place named Iabud, it was a magical place where all creeds and colours communed and coexisted together. Asiral liked Iabud, she could be herself out there. She was a serene being, she enjoyed Scrabble and combing her hair. Asiral collected sea shells, every day she would go out to the beautiful shores of Iabud to collect the "Perfect Shell" for her beloved. Her beloved was a stunningly handsome young man, he was intelligent and charming. He made Pattenson look like a paedofile. An ugly shines-in-the-light paedofile. Some say his smile would sparkle like a solar system, and that his eyes gleamed like the Aurora Borealis.
This man was something, and that something was called Jos.
(Jos didn't like Seashells, but he pretended to enjoy them because he was unsure if Asiral was simple or not)
Asiral and Jos would meet everyday for class, where they studied a subject of imaginable importance, it was crucial to the world economy and was taught by Mr. Wilson Obadiah Olivier or M.Woo as they all called him, who had an impeccable taste in ties. The subject was I.C.T. (Incredibly Cool Technology), and was only studied by only the most gifted of students.
Their work tired them out, and so did Asiral's efforts to conceal her affections for Jos, and her jealousy over the swathes of women that swooned over him. So upon the weekend, Asiral and Jos attended the same party, however this was no normal party.
Rumours of the party had been encircling the college for weeks ahead, some said, that the party would contain a new and mythical substance called Calcohol,apparently Asiral was unfamiliar with this substance, which lead her to being unaware of her limits. The street-smart Jos knew his own limits with the notorious substance, and so arrived at the party, just one hour after Asiral.
That was a mistake. With a combination of Asirals burning sexual desire and the absence of Jos's guiding hand she consumed quantities of Calcohol usually reserved for industrial distilleries.
When Jos arrived at the party, fighting his way through the crowds of awestruck girls clamoring for his kisses, he spotted Asiral getting into some trouble. She was attempting manouvers only reserved for Las Vega's finest, and i don't mean their police force. I mean strippers. Asiral. Strippers. Asiral....
Jos was both bemused and worried for her, however, she seemed experienced and in control, despite the fact that she kept calling Jos, Josh. I mean really?! Who does that?!
Jos promised to keep an eye on her for the evening, as he felt sorry for her, and her cleft pallet, but at one point he had to slip away to pee.
Asiral took this opportunity to slip away herself, to gain access to the most exclusive room in the house, the banned room, for for short, the Bed-Room.
It was a room covered in diamonds and gold, it was expensive beyond comprehension so Asiral was sick all over the bed. Later she told Jos that the bitch (whose house it was) deserved it and she was glad she did it.
When Jos had stopped peeing, he found that it was too late, and she'd already made a fool of herself, so he left the party that night with 8 beautiful Parisian models and thought about checking on her in the morning.
The next day Asiral rang Jos first and apologised profusely about how silly she'd been, and begged Jos not to write on his online diary.
Jos, like a real man accepted her apology but advised her to stay away from Calcohol for a while, as it made Asiral do bad things.
As Asiral walked upon the beach, golden sand stroking her toes, she thought of Jos, and how wonderful he was, and wished they could be together someday, if she could only find the "Perfect Shell" to earn his affections with.
The moral of this story? Buy a pretty shell and fill it with sand. Don't ponce about the beach like a one-eyed Sherlock Holmes, searching for a crusty bit of sea scrap.
